LAST SUNDAY NIGHT I decided to hit the sack early (by
my standards) around 1:00 AM. I'd been putting in some long hours
working on the new album, and I figured I'd get a good night's sleep so I
could be up and at 'em early Monday morning.
The second my head hit the pillow I was out like a light. The next thing
I knew I was jolted awake by what sounded like a muffled alarm clock.
It was kind of a buzzing sound.
I looked at the red display of my bedside clock. It was 2:00 AM.
I'd been out so soundly that I still felt half-asleep as I tried to
collect my thoughts. I flipped on the light and with half-open eyes
scanned around the room until my eyes landed on my portable beard
trimmer (yes, I actually trim my beard on rare occasions.) It's
about the size of a small flashlight, and there it was - spontaneously
buzzing away on my dresser.
I picked it up and pressed the on/off button. Nothing. I pushed it
again. Still nothing. The unit continued its aggravating buzzzzz. After
about five minutes of working the on/off switch, I simply couldn't get
it to turn off.
This unit is a cordless Norelco, trimmer powered by a rechargeable
lithium battery. The battery is concealed within the unit with no
obvious way to open up the case to disable the battery. So I grabbed a
screwdriver and pried off the cover over the on/off switch.
I figured maybe I could unstick the switch or somehow disable it.
Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!
I poked and prodded the contact beneath the switch cover with my screwdriver . . .
It continued to mock me. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!
I sharply smacked the unit on the edge of the desk several times.
Buzzzzzzzzzzz!
In my groggy stupor I thought, "I could just put it in the other room and let it buzz until it runs out of juice."
But then I thought that with that powerful lithium battery, it could possibly overheat and maybe catch fire.
Aha! I'll drop it in a bucket of water and short it out. It might ruin the trimmer; but it
was three years old and at $29, I could just buy another one at Walmart.
So I slogged out into the kitchen with this droning annoyance in tow. I
found a suitable plastic container and filled it with water. I bade
farewell to my trusty old trimmer as I plopped it into the water.
Submerged, it relentlessly continued with a muted:
buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
I looked at the clock, it was 2:45 AM. I'd been monkeying with this
taunting device for 45 minutes! I'd had enough! I grabbed it, ran out
into the breezeway and threw it as hard as I could onto the driveway!
The impact immediately silenced the thing! It took a big bounce and
landed in the front lawn. I stood motionless for a minute . . . Silence.
Relieved, I turned and walked back into the house and figured I'd
retrieve it the next day and toss it into the trash. I headed straight
for bed and slept the rest of the night like a baby!
The next day I headed to the front lawn to retrieve the little
monster. And would you believe it? With nary a scratch from its violent
jolt to the concrete, it had now started up again - what had been an
irritating buzz now replaced by a soft, plaintive humming.
It was still alive!
I must admit I felt a little bad as I cracked open the case, removed the
battery and tossed the trimmer into the trash. It had been a good old
beard trimmer
before it became possessed . . .
. . . and extreme measures had to be taken!
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